This is what happens when you decide to go against your better judgement. This is what happens when God is saying “Hey, don’t do that there” and you, in your infinite wisdom, traverse forward into what you still think is a bad idea. Human curiosity and stubborness is somewhat amazing.

I have indigestion. This is seemingly starting to be a normal response to things that upset me. I can remember a long time ago always wanting to throw up. The nervousness, the anger. I mixed up feelings of anxiety for feelings of being wanted - I mistook jealousy for a postive. Possessiveness for affirmation in a rather abstract relationship.

I am a contributing factor to the negative. We all are to someone. It is “one of those things” that inevitably happens.

I say I sometimes make the mistake of thinking about it late at night, but it isn’t really a mistake. It’s pretty purposeful - it has to be, when everything including the more reasonable parts of myself are suggesting not to do so. I feel green in my stomach, but I know that’s a passing thing.