[hey man, whatever]
Sometimes I think I’ve hit a level of pointlessness not before known to mankind.
My life is an exercise in ritual. I have the habits of getting up, of getting ready, of going to work, of interacting with people, of listening to music, of sleeping all in very definite and scripted ways. I know my life well, my role in other’s lives, and their level of depth into mine. I know a lot of things. I apply nothing.
This time of year is the time of breaking. Things become more intense, more pronounced, heavy with the weight of months behind it and I think think think to myself that if I can make it through November, if I can get through December, January will even things out. It’s not rational thinking. I’m still the same person. I have the same pattern, the same method of waking up, of eating, of not dreaming.
I’ve learned something about myself today.
My goal in life is not to be happy. I will not get what I want.
I will, however, get exactly what I need. I will. I know it.
And at this moment - this very second - despite the inherent sadness and self-pity that I inevitably wear, I can smile.