A couple of nights ago I wore high-heels and went out dancing. It was, to summarize, very not me. In fact, it could be surmised that it is everything that I am not. I had fun in an odd sort of way. It left me with the feeling of being six years old and playing dress-up in my mom’s clothes; it’s amusing, but completely not real.

Maybe what we are given, replaces our desire for what we wanted, and at the end, imagining it any other way seems impossible (or too painful to consider).

Ohhh, here we go. I’m not picking on you Ben, I’m just responding. =)

I don’t think that’s it, at least not quite, though what you say is very true in some aspects. The defining difference here is a matter of personal choice in influencing what controls our life. It is not a lack of options. It is the choosing of said options. That being explained, I would not choose any other way other than the way I am; the path I am on. I think that human nature makes us doubt the things we decide on occasion, especially when our choices are founded not on rationality or proof, but on a feeling or ‘unfounded’ belief. I think that has been the plight of mankind since the start. And that in itself makes me uneasy - I am not different, I am not unique. I suffer the to the same extent people have since we have walked the earth. Human nature has always been the same. Technology changes but being emotionally evolved is non-existent. We question the same things over and over. We ask the same questions and are never satisfied with any exact answer. How frickin’ ungrateful.

As for Bible verses failing to be inspiring, I get that. We can only hear the words so many times before they become just that - words upon words that lose flavor. I think this is the period of time called The Wilderness. It is cold and barren and despite that, here I am, still believing, still walking, still praying, and still sane. I am still sane, and that, believe me, is all the proof that I really really really need. Thank God, in the most literal sense. I will keep walking, even though I have moments that make me want to wander around on occasion or stop and take a rest. This is all I have, and in all honesty, all I want. I would have to want it in order to choose it. He would have to love me in order for me to keep going. I would have long ago given up if He didn’t. I totally and completely do not do this on my own.

Hrm. Changing rants.

To be honest, I’m not really concerned with the self-proclaimed mediocrity of my life or the everyday workings of it. I’m more concerned with the idea that I am inevitably fruitless with my everyday actions; I am one small strand of spiderweb in a very very large dusty attic. I am existential introspection in the form of lipstick and cocktails.

There is a purpose to me. I may not feel it right at this second, but I don’t always have to, right? That would be exhausting and I would have something totally different and egocentric to complain about.

I am alright. I am truly and honestly alright.

Oh yeah, here’s your Music o’ The Week, X-Mas style (well, kinda) PLUS one non-Christmas bonus song from jane that I forgot to upload last week:

jane - Amy Grant, Jason Mraz, Guster, Boy Kill Boy (bonus!)
dismarum - The Beautiful Mistake, Rilo Kiley, Fall Out Boy