So on my trip, in between the free drinks and bright lights, I did a significant amount of people watching. Trophy wives who hardly speak English seem to be all the rage still. I’ve always said I don’t really understand people and that still stands true today. Though, to be entirely fair, I suppose well-to-do, balding, middle-age, lascivious men and money-grubbing mid-twenty year olds truly are made for each other. I’d hate to think that a decent person would get stuck with either of them.

Yeah. I’m judgmental. So what?

I decided I really don’t get relationships very well either, which makes sense since they’re comprised of people in a complex dynamic. I’m not exactly sure what I gained out of the last one I was in, besides a slightly higher cynical level at it’s demise. To be fair, this sort of interaction is rare for me. I don’t enter into them easily. In fact, I’m pretty resistant at the start. This resistance doesn’t stem from the idea that I’m committed to someone; I like commitment. I actually consider it a requirement to any sort of romantic interest. I don’t date casually; I don’t date more than one person at the same time. I think the resistance stems from the fact that I find myself not liking to risk my emotions on another person. I get skittish at the thought that another human being is going to influence whether I cry or laugh. I get even more freaked out at the idea that they could possibly devastate me. The notion that I am “too picky” has been brought up way too many times (thanks, Mom), and I decided that is the most idiotic thing I have ever heard of. Damn well straight I’m going to be picky. These are my emotions. This is my time.

To go back to my initial statement of not “gaining” anything out of this last one (which was about 3 months ago - I’ve had a bit of time to not be irate anymore), it creeps me out that the concept of being with someone is to get something out of it. I mean I suppose that makes sense - you want to gain something if you’re going to invest your time and (more importantly) your feelings into something, but it sounds weirdly parasitic. I think the prevailing theme that one should be “getting” something out of someone is pretty self-destructive. It should be replaced with the mentality to mutually be supportive and fulfill each others’ needs. If that’s the ideal, then I wasn’t a part of that schema. And if I’m thinking in terms of what I gained, then I suppose I’m parasitic as well, just not on a monetary scale. I’m not sure what is worse. There goes that judgmental thing.

Sometimes when I write these long posts, I end up nowhere where I originally planned to. It wasn’t my intention to write about relationships. I think I was going to rant about interactions devoid of any content (and I suppose this applies within that context, in some fashion), but I’ve ended up here.

I’m leaving it here, as well.