Either as a result of my neurosis or past experience, I’m convinced most married or otherwise unavailable men look at me warily, as if they expect me to hit on them. I’m equally convinced that said men’s significant others also look at me warily, as if simply by being a female in their men’s vicinity is reason enough to distrust me. It’s not an arrogant thing, I don’t think; I make no pretenses about my low level of man-stealing ability. I’m not a seductive femme fatale–I don’t have a bright blonde bob and deep red lipstick in an otherwise black-and-white world. So it occurred to me this morning (while praying, oddly enough) that maybe I have some sort of “homewrecker” aura surrounding me. Then I thought (brilliantly!) I should make myself a shirt that says, “Not a homewrecker.” Then I felt a little too Promise Keepers (although, really, is that a bad thing?) and went back to shouting out to Jesus.

Oh, that reminds me. I know I’m getting old because I’ve stopped understanding high school kids’ lingo. Or at least it takes a minute to process and I usually have to stare at them until they clarify.
Boy says, “Did he bounce?…Did he?…He already bounced?…Is he gone?…”
I stare, one eyebrow raised. Then I realize “bounce” equals “left” or even “rolled”–the latter being slang I actually understand thanks to good ol’ Fred Durst. I say, “Oh, yeah, he, uh…he, um, he’s gone.” I can’t bring myself to use “bounce” in normal everyday conversation, unless it’s a conversation with my mom, who thinks she’s Tigger incarnate.
Also, “What are you puffin’ on?” means “What kind of cigarettes are you smoking?” There’s more, but my level of shame at not understanding the big nasty slang has repressed those memories deep into my subconscious.

Would people trust me more or less with a “Not a homewrecker” shirt? They might think I was being shirtfully sarcastic and distrust me less.

I’ve wanted to move to the East coast for a long time. I still do. I want to live in Maine. Or New Jersey. Or Virginia. I want to live so many places simultaneously. Oh, geez.

Time to bounce.

Peace, love, and better things.