[happy patch day]
I still get inexplicably gloomy sometimes around this time of the year. Not the constant, unbearable pervasive sadness that used to follow me around, but rather a small, condensed form of unsettled uncomfortableness that manifests itself as annoyance or withdrawal, sometimes. Just at this time of year, typically. How weird is it that my emotions are seasonal? I guess not that weird. I suppose it happens to quite a few people and makes perfect sense. I just don’t like it, most of the time, when I can see it coming days ahead of me. I don’t know why I just said “most of the time” - I don’t like it any of the time. It’s like going to a very distant relative’s funeral or running over a stray cat by accident. It’s not the end of the world, but you definitely would rather be anywhere else than where you are. It is, however, distant and fleeting. Transitory.
I don't get it. I really don't. I guess that's just me, and will always be me. I like myself well enough to be alright with that, though. It's taken a long time to get to the point where I like myself enough to be okay with being annoyed at myself.
I used to get really mad at God for several things - mostly they spawned from the feeling that He was very very far away, while I was being crushed under buildings and mounds of people. I kept that distance between He and I. I don't anymore. I sometimes get mad at my lack of understanding, or my lack of willingness to give up control. These are my faults, and not relative to distance.
This probably has been one of the most disjointed and more personal things I've written in a while. I typically don't write about stuff like this anymore. I was considering not posting it, but I like it. So it stays.